I'm going to preface this post by just letting you know that I'm sulking right now. You can stop reading if you're not in the mood to watch me sulk.
Today, I'm remembering the note that my orchestra teacher wrote for me, right next to our group photo in my senior year book.
"To one of the best students that I've ever been blessed to teach. You are as tenacious as a bulldog. Don't ever lose that quality, it will take you where you want to go in life."
I remember it by heart because it meant something to me. I also remember it by heart because I read it aloud to myself at least 348,409 times. Then I read it to myself, silently, in my head, another 28,012 times. It meant something because she recognized a fight in me that I had never even seen in myself.
This has also come to light a few times through votes of confidence from my Momma. When I am really draggin' ass and feeling like marine snow (thank you, Junk Miles), I always know that I can call Momma, and she'll pick me back up. I've realized over the years that these conversations always include 3 key phrases: "you are not a quitter!", "you have the world by the ass!" (yes, these are Momma's words), and "everything's gonna be just fine".
Who knew that those 3 mantras could pick me back up and change my entire world around? She might drag me back down a week later because I sent her birthday card out a day late, but she is very effective at making a sad Jogger laugh again when necessary.
Tonight, I'm not calling my Momma.
Tonight, I'm channeling Momma's words from 400 miles away, in lieu of an actual conversation. Because I'm blogging. And I am tenacious. As a bulldog.
Tonight, I'm taking responsibility for the fact that I have not had my head in the game in regards to appropriating the study time necessary to sit for (and pass) my CPA exam.
I've sat for 2 sections.
I've failed 2 sections.
After the 2nd "you fail, you big fat loser" notice that I received, I took a study hiatus. I baked. I blogged. I organized things and cleaned. I went out often and drank too much alcohol. Basically, for 2 months, I pretended to be a person who had not already signed up for 2 more CPA exam sections. A person who had not already paid $500 for said exam sections. Instead of taking the bull by the horns (another Momma Jogger-ism), I retreated. Sabotaged. Wussed out!
Tonight, faced with the harsh reality that section #3 (Regulation), was scheduled for January 24th, I thought about propelling myself to the frozen Earth via my office window. Instead, I decided to cancel said exam (paying another $35 to cancel, naturally), and I have decided that I will take it when I am better prepared. Many months from now. Many, many.
This decision was made because I have yet another section of the exam scheduled for February 28th. The thought of being unprepared for the test on 1/24, and also not having enough time to study for the 2/28 exam was too much for me to cope with. I nixed the 1/24 exam so that I would have enough time to study and pass the 2/28 exam. I need to pass one of these things on the first try, no?
Although my pocketbook is significantly damaged at this point (fail 2 + cancel 1 = ohhh...$800), I feel relieved to know that I will now have 5 weeks to study for and pass the Business section. I just need to pass one. It will give me the confidence I need to keep moving.
Sort of like my reaffirmed commitment to races and race training. That, too, requires a lot of time and devotion.