Change Is The Only Constant

Please do pour yourself a nice glass of your favorite beverage, get comfortable, and press "play".

I'm going through changes.

I firmly believe that when a person stops changing, they're not being the best person that they can be. None of us are perfect, and not only do we need to continue challenging ourselves mentally and physically in order to stay on our game, we also have to do it to stay alive.

You know...A L I V E! Not just (fingerquote) alive (unfingerquote)...but A L I V E!

Familiarity breeds contempt.

Doing the same thing over and over again makes us angry. OK, that might be a stretch...but you know what I mean. A few months ago, I was constantly slothing around on the sofa at every available opportunity. I was completely unmotivated to do anything. I didn't want to work out, go out, bake cupcakes, nothing. I was all blah, and I was a little angry.

It's a viscous cycle for me personally. Something happens to derail my normally healthy, active self, then I eat garbage to stuff away my feelings, I gain weight, and that makes me even more blah.

I can only be blah for so long. Not only does my brain begin yelling "HEY!!! YOU!!!!! SLOTH!!!! GET UP!!!! STOP IT!!!!", but I also have some very honest friends who love me enough to speak up. Thank you, friends. You told me what I already knew but didn't want to admit.

I needed to step up my game.

I've talked before briefly about my transition into running, but the basic gist of it is that I am not a runner by nature. This should come as no surprise to you, if you've read any of my previous stories about injuries and excessive coughing and snotting. What I haven't really talked too much about is the fact that prior to running, I loved bodybuilding.

Love. Big, big, love.

My dream was to compete in a fitness competition [which still makes me chuckle], but I was actually pretty good at it. I loved the feeling of confidence and strength that came over me when I walked into the "boys" area of the gym and busted out a bunch of squats, dead lifts, and bench presses. I've talked to you (ad nauseam) about the struggle with my 15-year eating disorder. The difference between me and many other women who struggle with eating disorders is that I never wanted to be thin. I wanted to be fit. Muscular. Strong.

Unfortunately, by the time that I started bodybuilding, I was already under the belief that I couldn't be fit or strong and muscular unless I starved myself or binged/purged my way there. Now I know that what I was doing was completely counterproductive, but at the time it was mostly just a way to cope.

I became obsessed with all things diet and exercise, and I eventually nixed weight lifting in favor of running only, since 'on paper', running burned more calories. More than regretting the many years of my eating disorder, I regret losing sight of the thing that I loved so much: bodybuilding-induced muscles!

...p.s...I'm pretty sure that I can look way better than this now that I actually eat. =)

I've been thinking about this fact for a very long time. As I complete races and keep running, in the back of my mind I have never stopped thinking about the fact that I desperately miss bodybuilding. However, the one thing that has been keeping me from it is FEAR.

FEAR! Isn't that SILLY?!

First, it's a little intimidating when you have to start over with something that you were formerly good at. Not to mention, I am not nearly as confident about myself or my body as I was 5 years ago. This makes me feel yucky, but I can get over the yuck in order to ultimately make myself happy.

Second, I have continuously tossed out the idea of getting back into bodybuilding because I have been afraid that it would awaken that eating disorder beast inside of me. When I think of the years when I was doing more weight lifting than running, those were also years when my eating disorder was the single governing body in my life. I actually mentioned this in a post back on October 5, 2009! Can you believe this has been on my mind for that long?

At some point, I started to associate my eating disorder with my love for bodybuilding.

I've worked it out. And, I worked out. I can't describe to you how great it feels to do something that I'm good at for a change. I've spent the past 4-5 years trying to be something that I'm not.

I'm not a runner. I'm a jogger at best...but I'd rather be a bodybuilder.

I'm going through changes, and they're good.