Wednesday Confession (that time I told you I was on a "diet")

It's been a long time since I've confessed anything to you guys, so it's only right that I make today's post a confession.  Also, since I didn't have time to make any cupcakes this week, I needed something to distract you with.

Did I mention that we're leaving tomorrow at the crack of dawn to drive to Myrtle Beach for the Bi-Lo 1/2 Marathon?  That's 8 fine hours of driving, with two men in the car who will likely decide when we get to stop and pee. Needless to say, I'm bringing a fully-charged iPad, and I'm not drinking any fluids tonight after 7PM.

Moving along.

I joined Weight Watchers 3 weeks ago.

I did it because I basically want to be Jennifer Hudson.

I admit it.  I'm impressionable, and I'm always a sucker for a good marketing ploy.  I ate kombucha.  I begged my Mom for Cabbage Patch Kids.  Heck...everything I do is probably the result of something else that I saw someone else do.  I'm human. That's kind of how we humans operate, even if we don't want to admit it.

But I didn't even put up a fight on this one. Jennifer Hudson is an amazing spokesperson for Weight Watchers.  She looks vibrant.  Happy.  Rejuvenated.  Sexy.  Comfortable in her skin.  I want that.

I'm no stranger to Weight Watchers.  I jumped on board back in my days of 'binge, purge, binge, starve, diet, repeat', when the program was slightly different.  I also did Richard Simmons' Deal-A-Meal (yes, that's a confession within a confession), The Zone Diet, The South Beach Diet, Atkins, The Grapefruit Diet, the Mayo Clinic Diet...shall I go on?

I've tried them all.

So what, right?  Everyone is on a diet, right?  What makes this such a confession for me is because I am the self-proclaimed diet hater.  Diet Schmiet.  I swore off diets entirely after I "graduated" from treatment for my eating disorder.  I was a staunch intuitive-eater with a negative perspective on how and why people go on "diets".

Here's the thing though...over the past 2 years, I've likely put on and taken off the same 10-15 pounds at least 6 times.  It's kind of like my "normal".  Gain it, lose it, gain it again. One of my friends mentioned a few months ago that she couldn't believe how "easy" it is for me to fluctuate so much with my weight.  It was kind of a rude awakening, but she was right.

The ever-increasing discomfort I experienced while wearing my favorite pair of jeans was the proof.

Admittedly, I put on some weight while we were dealing with our loss at the end of last year.  I had a much more difficult time coping with that scenario than I originally thought I would.  I guess we never know how we'll handle a situation until we're thrown in it.  It was just easier to resort back to my old coping methods than to figure out how to get through the pain.

Up until recently, I wasn't really even working out regularly.  I was just 'getting by' with the training runs that I needed in order to be prepared for my race this weekend.  I knew that I needed to make a change, I just couldn't find the will to do it.  I knew that losing weight wouldn't make all of my "problems" go away, but I did know that it would help me get into the right frame of mind to get my mojo back.

And then Jennifer Hudson spoke to me.

"Lighter and liberated"?!

Yes, please.

I toyed around with the idea of going on a "diet" for the past few months. I knew that all I needed to really do is revisit my intuitive eating skills, but honestly...it's difficult. It's difficult to listen, and it's difficult to honor yourself when eating intuitively. It's difficult to stop eating when you know you should, since your brain is screaming at you to keep on chugging.

I needed something a little more structured. After doing some research about Weight Watchers new PointsPlus plan, I felt like it was something that I could get on board with. I'd still be eating the foods that I want to eat, but I'd be eating them a little more mindfully, keeping the appropriate portions in mind.

Structure. The very thing that I ran away from a few years ago was the thing I ran towards in this case (much faster than I could ever run in real life, of course).

So, for right now, at this moment, Weight Watchers feels right. I'm not restricting. I'm not binging or purging. I'm eating the foods I want, in reasonable portions, and I'm enjoying it. It's working for me. My initial fear about going on a "diet" (and the reason I put this decision off) was because I didn't want to become obsessed with dieting again. I just don't have the time or energy for that.

I clearly have other things to obsess about right now.

So, what do you think? Am I a sell-out because I'm on a "diet" now?